You just made me feel so damn special
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
