Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
