I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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