I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Randomize
