Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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