Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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