I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
