I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
