You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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