We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
