I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
even my farts smell like vagina
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
