when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize