yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize
