What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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