i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
