During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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