So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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