Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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