I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
