can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
