Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Randomize
