I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i used baking grease as lip gloss
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
