Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
