dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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