My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
