Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I need a beard to bite.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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