She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
