i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Randomize
