awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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