I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
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