i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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