Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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