he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
operation have a gay friend backfired
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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