If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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