when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
