My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
