I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
All the doctor said was why
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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