i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
