The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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