I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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