it's great music for shaving your balls
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
We just shotgunned beers for America
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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