dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
