Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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