My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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