She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
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