Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
