A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
