My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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