My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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