you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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